I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
