If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
