I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
