Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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