I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
