somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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