The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
When are your genitals available?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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