she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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