I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I don't deserve a penis
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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