Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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