i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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