so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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