just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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