I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
