I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
