Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
