i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
