If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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