She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
