he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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