Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
