He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
