I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
