And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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