how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
