every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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