and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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