Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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