is your mom at the bar?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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