i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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