your parents love me but you hate me
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
