Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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