True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
