why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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