I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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