His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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