so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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