So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
