there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's official drugs can't kill me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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