I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
