I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
