I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
