Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
