he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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