fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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