i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
