imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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