Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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