Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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