It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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